I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.