Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?