{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m Sold!
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.