I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Everything reminds me of my ex
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*