This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
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Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”