*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.