Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.