First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
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Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Risking my life for fun.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred