Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
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listen closely
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
i can’t wait that long
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.