Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Become ungovernable.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch