*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.