Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*