Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Customize Your Wedding.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’m confused about plants