8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)