Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
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Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The three genders.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
ACED my prostate exam!
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.