Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Human are so complicated
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?