Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.