Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You Might Also Like
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Based Erika
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies