my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
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[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here