A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.