That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!