what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.