*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza