So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.