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Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
dam girl
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
me: my friends:
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-