The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
it must be school picture day
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself