“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
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Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.