Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
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*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
couldn’t resist
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.