“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.