me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?