I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
bias laundering edition
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie