[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time