Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I’m not stressed
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.