A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
are there any atheist mantises?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
the last thing a carrot sees
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Art by Pastelkatto
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol