Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
You Might Also Like
Me driving through Toronto
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
President The Rock Obama
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?