Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee