My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Mornin
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!