My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
prepare for carbonated trouble
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
work smarter, not harder
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My first son he is wonderful