I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
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I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
The pasta is now