My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
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News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I put the p in pants.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.