Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*