Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
You Might Also Like
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
This is I, Robot all over again
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow