If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade