3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Ion see the issue
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]