Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
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uncle dave has been through hell
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.