sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Going into Monday like