Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
how much for the angry fruit?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do