The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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No one girl should have all that power. 😂
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.