Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
when someone rings the doorbell
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?