When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
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Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Thinking about Jeff
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.